Maine Threat Assessment

In 2008, the Department of Homeland Security did not commission a Threat Assessment Study for the State of Maine. The results of this study were recently released to the public and a summary of the findings are written below. The Assessment rates the level at which each state is a threat to Maine.

New Hampshire:  Medium Threat
New Hampshire residents smuggle and facilitate the smuggling of fireworks accross Maine’s borders. However, Mainers cross into NH territory for tax-free liquors.  Thus, NH shall not be deemed a “severe threat” for trade purposes.

Idaho: Pitiful Threat
Idaho claims to be a potato state and attempts to take all the spud glory, but anyone with a brain knows that Maine potatoes are far superior in every measurable way. No love lost here if Idaho ever decides to secede from the Union. Idaho isn’t really a threat to Maine, Maine should just feel sorry for Idaho for being Idaho.

Colorado: High Threat
Although far from Maine geographically, Colorado is close to Maine in terms of love for one’s state on a per capita basis. Mainers love Maine more than any other resident loves their home state. Maine cannot let Colorado threaten this, even if that means the U.S. gives the Rockies over to the Canadians.

Massachusetts: Severe Threat
Massachusetts is one of the biggest threats to Maine’s security. Why? Because every summer all of the Massholes flock to Maine’s ocean shores, clog her highways, buys her oceanfront property while avoiding many of the taxes that Mainers pay, and drive on her roads like they are from Massachusetts, which they are.  And it says something when nobody knows what to call a person from Massachusetts other than a “Masshole.”

Florida: Neutralized Threat
Florida is a threat because it steals tourists from Maine throughout the year and all of Maine’s older citizens in the winter. That threat is neurtralized, however, by the fact that Mainers love to go to Disney World and will one day want to move to Florida when they are older.

New York: Major Threat
In previous years, New York’s status on the threat list resulted mainly from the fact that they are home to the Yankees. Since 2004, however, it has become common knowledge that the Yankees are no longer a threat to any baseball team.  But alas, Mainers still find New Yorkers scary so they remain a “Major Threat.” 

Vermont: Laughable Threat
Vermont? A threat? Hahaha. What is a Vermonter going to do to Maine? Shake their finger, hold a protest sign, draft an angry letter and codify it in their legislature? No, Vermont is the nice neighbor down the street who you borrow sugar from on a regular basis with no intention of ever repaying them, but you do, because they are from Vermont and you feel guilty because they are so nice and innocent.

New Jersey: Zero Threat
Although in close proximity to New York, New Jersey poses no threat to Maine. How many Mainers have you heard say they want to leave Maine to move to New Jersey? That’s right, none. Ever.

Useful Pick-up Lines

Below, please find various pick-up lines, categorized by profession and/or characteristic.  

Economist: “When I am with you, the economy isn’t the only entity that experiences inflation.” 

Scientist: “We have to stop seeing each other because when we’re together, my heart warms to a temperature that contributes to global warming.” 

Religious Neo-Conservative: “Hi, my name is Ted and I’m abstinent too.  Want to get married tomorrow?”

Politician: “I thought I was the most important person in the room until I saw you.”

Mathematician: Pick-up lines not applicable. 

Horticulturalist: “Have you been germinated?  Because I can “bee” yours.”

AIG Derivatives Trader: “I’ll mouth words, you pretend to hear exactly what you want to hear in order to fall in love with me.”

Writer:  “If you let me conjugate your verb, I’ll let you revise my dangling modifier.”

Philosopher: “If love exists, will you be mine?”

Political Scientist: “Do you have strong political party preferences?  Because you can be all the parties in my consociational government!”

Realist: “The likelihood of you ever loving me is very slim, so I say we avoid the pleasantries and start seeing other people. ”

Narcissist: “Is that a mirror in your pocket?  Because I want to see myself in your pants”

Breaking News: Obama Stimulus Succeeds

Obama Stimulus Succeeds
Sullenberger invests $20 from Obama, saves economy from crashing

NEW YORK – In a stunning turn of events, Sunday, the U.S. economy experienced the largest rally in history after Chesly Sullenburger, a famed US Airways pilot who saved 155 people by landing his stricken aircraft on the Hudson River, invested $20 into AIG stock.  Economists around the world are now hailing the action as the greatest economic development since the establishment of the world’s markets, effectively ending the current crisis.

The outcome transpired within a matter of hours after Sullenburger’s actions were reported in the press, sending shockwaves through the global economies.  Japanese markets opened 400 points up on Tuesday, the highest since their economy tanked after the Pokémon/Hello Kitty fire of 1998.  London markets rose so quickly that most British stockbrokers were drunk by 11:00 a.m., UK time, rather than their normal 1:00 p.m.

The process was set in motion on 24 February when Sullenburger met with President Obama before the State of the Nation address.  While discussing the drastic changes in his life, Sullenburger explained that even though he is now the most famous pilot ever, US Airways has held his paychecks as he has not been keeping a regular flying schedule due to all of his public events.

Hearing this, Obama pulled four $5 bills from his pocket, handing them to Sullenburger as an expression of his gratitude.

According to a senior administration official who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Obama would have given more, but since the inauguration, the President has ordered that all staff carry only $5 bills and pennies.  As the official explained, “Obama still needs to channel Lincoln as much as possible right now and doesn’t want the ‘essence of Number 16’ to be diluted by the other presidents.”

After weeks of holding onto the cash for sentimental purposes, Sullenburger decided to invest the $20 in AIG stock under the assumption that their prices can’t drop any further and can only go higher.

Said one investor, “Surely Sullenburger knows exactly what he is doing, by investing now, when the stock market is about to crash, he is telling us all that it is all right, we are going to survive.”

Once word got around Wall Street of Sullenburger’s actions, brokers began a historic buying spree.

The Obama Administration immediately hailed the Wall Street rally as proof that the economic stimulus package had worked.

“Today, hope and change have defeated our common enemies.  No more can our country fall prey to the failures of our past – we must now look to the future and hope this land up once more to the change that we need, and hope,” Obama proclaimed in a statement released this morning.

Republican Party chairman, Michael Steele, followed with a statement congratulating Obama on his success and proclaiming victory over the troubled economy.  Twenty minutes later, Steele released a second statement saying his first statement was taken out of context and did not adequately convey what he meant to say.

According to the second Steele: “Obama did not get that $20 from magic.  That came from his salary, approved in a previous Congress under the Bush Administration.  That is money from Bush’s economic plan, not Obama’s.  We are the victors here.  Once again, the Republicans have saved America.” 

Regardless of who could claim success, the immediate impact of the upturn could be seen from Wall Street to Main Street as people across America began celebrating.  Corporate executives immediately began randomly bonusing themselves for no apparent reason.  And Americans everywhere began buying SUVs and good beer once more.

Sullenburger could not be reached for comment for the article, however, sources have said that he is now being offered consulting jobs with multiple car, coal, education, and other struggling American industries. 

 

 

Boycott Idaho

The potato is one of the greatest foods to grow on the planet.  As the world’s fourth largest crop of food, potatoes graciously grace the earth through myriad incarnations, most notably as baked, fried, french fried, chipped (or crisped for our European readers), poutined, mashed, souped, and guned. But there is an evil that currently aflicts the potato and one that shall be addressed in this inaugural post. No, it is not blight, although this is a concern, it is Idaho. 

Walk down any street in America and ask ten random people: “What state do you think of when you hear the word ‘potato’?” Undoubtedly, nine out of ten people will say Idaho. The 10 percent who don’t probably can’t even name a state. But, my point is this: why Idaho?  

According to a 2007 report released by the Foreign Agricultural Service, Idaho merely produces 5.8 metric tons of potatoes, or 29 percent of the U.S. crop. That leaves 14.2 metric tons or 71 percent of America’s crop of potatoes that is NOT grown and harvested in Idaho. So why do 90 percent of people that you ask when walking down a street in an unscientific and theoretical survey answer Idaho?! And why when you google “potato” does Idaho come up all the time? Because Idaho freaking sucks. 

Anyone who knows anything about potatoes, however, knows that Maine potatoes are far superior in every measurable way to Idaho potatoes, most notably in taste. If you don’t believe me, go to your local grocer and purchase a sac of Maine potatoes. Then quietly rip open a bag of Idaho potatoes and steal one (under no circumstances should you purchase and thereby support an Idaho potato grower). When you get home, bake them. Don’t worry about remembering which is which, when they are done baking, the one that looks better is from Maine.  When they are ready, eat them and your little test will be completed. Fact: Maine potatoes are just better.

So why is it that Idaho has such a public monopoly over the claim to the potato? One can only assume that Idaho farmers employ a vast media and governmental lobbying wing that seeks to supplant all other potato growers through false and malicious advertising.  And it should be said that Maine isn’t the only state affected; so are Washington, North Dakota, Wisconsin, Colorado, California, and Oregon. Some of those states might even make more potatoes than Maine, I don’t know, I don’t really do research on these things.  But, it isn’t the amount of harvested potatoes that is the issue here–it is taste. And Maine wins.

In conclusion, welcome to my new blog. And please boycott Idaho in every way you can imagine until the state releases a public,written apology to both Maine and the nation for their duplicity and recognizes the superiority of the Maine potato.